Emotions

Having a deployed husband is hard, no question, for anyone, even those who have been doing this for a while. I like to think I handle these times okay, better than some, worse than others, but I manage. But one thing I pride myself on is that I DO NOT lose it in front of my husband (or my kids) when he is leaving. I put on the brave face and keep it all in until later when I can lock myself in the bathroom and turn the shower on so the kids don't hear. Please understand, this is not me telling ANYONE else how they should handle deployments, this is just me, how I handle them. I really feel in my heart that I need to keep it together for my husband and my kids. I know how guilty he feels when he leaves us even though he is doing his job and I don't want the last thing he sees to be me falling apart. I need him to go and concentrate on his job and his surroundings and not worry (any more than he already is) about me.

To that end, these last two deployments I haven't had my initial bathroom breakdown. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly, and I have cried, briefly, but I think I have just forced myself to hold in it extra because I just didn't have time to break down. Or maybe the energy? I had a new baby and a book fair to run and kids' sports and scouts. I was too busy and too tired for a breakdown.

But there have been two moments during this deployment when it all caught up to me. Once, a few weeks ago, while I was watching Army Wives. Now, I DVR everything we watch and I never watch commercials anymore but, this one night, I was nursing baby and couldn't reach the remote when this one commercial came on. A couple of soldiers were walking through an airport terminal with their mo' bags on their backs and people stood up and started clapping. I don't remember the tagline, something about pride or supporting our military, but I started sobing and could not stop. I couldn't even tell you what I was crying about. Thank God the kids were in bed.

The second time was at the activity center before our friends had arrived. While Jake ran off immediately to start climbing and Elle and I sat down on a bench to wait. Then our song came on, mine and Ben's. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel (for those who survived the 80's - the song on the boombox that John Cusack was holding up for Ione Sky in the movie Say Anything). We danced to it on our first 'date', homecoming dance our junior year, it was the theme song. And (shh, don't tell my mom) we had our first kiss to it. Oh my heart. I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry until he comes home. Luckily, Stacey and her kids showed up and Elle ran off to play. I pulled myself together and enjoyed the memory then had to explain the watery eyes.

So I am just going to say it here. I MISS MY HUSBAND! And I am sad without him. But I don't like to cry and I don't want to, especially not in public, so can we hold all sad commercials and tv shows and can no radio stations play any songs that remind me of how much I love him? That would be great, thanks.